On being jobless, hopeless and getting desperate

I feel like a big fat failure.

I’m still working 40 hours a week explaining the differences between rib sauces, and rolling my eyes to high heaven when someone orders a succulent filet mignon ‘well done’.

“No blood, yeah, love? Can’t be doin’ wiv no blood. CREMATE it yeah?”

I’ve got myself stuck in a nasty rut, and I know it’s not where I am supposed to be, but I simply can’t quite climb out, the edges are too slippery. One step forward, two steps back.

Selfish as it seems, because I know that many are unfortunate enough to not have jobs at all, but I just know that my calling isn’t in scraping ketchup off plates. With each rejection, each patronisingly polite phonecall telling me why I didn’t get the job, and what a shame it is because they loved me so much, I fall deeper into a sick depression where I torment myself with telling myself I’m not good enough, and gosh look at all these people who graduated with me, look how well they’re doing.

In the beginning I’d tell myself ‘onwards and upwards’ and that there are plenty more job-fishes in the sea. Recently I’ve been saying it through a frozen smile to other people who ask “How’s the job-hunt going?”, whilst feeling ill with embarrassment that they can now see what a failure I am.

Oh, the job hunt is going fine, I can find the jobs perfectly well, there’s thousands. I just can’t secure one.

I sometimes feel melodramatic as well, in the sense that almost everyone is in the same boat. There are a few success stories of people I have graduated with, but most of my friends are going from internship to internship being paid expenses, or working a mediocre job, like me. There’s nothing wrong with having a mediocre job in the service industry, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with internships, gathering experience and making a name for yourself, but we all want more than that.

This post is a rant, but a rant many can hopefully identify with. It’s also very one-sided, focusing on my problems, what I want, and what I’m not getting. Sometimes companies just don’t have the roles, resources or time to look over your CV.

Sometimes, the person got the job over you because they were simply better than you.

I won’t stop looking, and I won’t stop trying. Onwards and upwards. I meant it that time.

E x

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4 Comments

  1. jon
    11th April 2013 / 7:22 am

    Hmm…..Faliure? True success is not defined by outcomes but the journey to them. Your upbeat sign off, I am sure, will be a reflection of your circumstance in the future so stick with it – the only failure involved is that of others not to see your potential 🙂 good piece once again

  2. 11th April 2013 / 7:29 am

    Ella, your calling is in writing ( and maybe ranting 😉 ) Dont give up on your dream, thats all we got sweet’art! This is beautifully written, as is everything you write, and there is something amazing just waiting for you! You’re not a failure, and nobody that truly matters thinks you are. You’re a bloody hard worker and persistence will get you there. 🙂

    P.S I’m totally a cremate my steak kinda gal, don’t judge us 🙂
    Xxxxxxx

  3. Belle
    14th April 2013 / 1:49 pm

    I tried to get angry for you and stamp my feet. It was about to happen, it really was. Then, out of nowhere you mentioned those ‘people’ I use the term ‘people’ lightly. Who the fuck orders a steak then asks for it well done? Just have a burger you heathens!!!! Get out!

    Chin up lovely! From a fell ‘Ruteer’. Xxx

  4. 10th May 2014 / 8:07 am

    Everything happens for a reason and boy will it be worth it now!! 🙂 xxx

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