Ah, Tinder. The temporary solution to your singleton woes. I had never used Tinder until I became single (obvs), passing it off as a lighter version of Adult Friend Finder (grim). However, like for many other mid-twenties navigating life, my time for Tinder arrived. It was BRILLIANT! It’s honestly so much fun. Fun the point you have to check yourself and realise there are actually other people on the other side on the screen and you can’t fuck about TOO much. You can fuck about a little bit though, chill.
I’ve had Tinder on and off for about five months now, and in that time I’ve found and spoken to a wide range of…interesting people.
If you’re a newbs to the T, and you want the D (SORRY), here’s who you’re going to find on your voyage through the dating app sea.
1. The Bathroom Selfie Muscle Man with No Face
He’s ripped as a bodybuilder, but chances are he’s ripped off someone else’s pictures too because they’ve all got no heads. If you match, he’ll send you winky and sticky-out tongue faces. He’ll kick off with a ‘Hi bbz’ and then continue to call you ‘hun’ every other sentence. Watch out, he’s gonna want to sext you and send you pictures of his peen. He doesn’t think there should be any preamble, and he certainly won’t be taking you out for a drink (he ain’t got a job). He’ll ask you within ten minutes what you’re ‘looking’ for on Tinder – just hoping you’ll say ‘a hook up’. He cnt seem 2 typ usin full words nd if u cn handle dis hun thn gr8 bt count me d fk out.
2. The Group Picture Boy
In a game of 21st Century Where’s Wally?, this guy has got a plethora of group photos, usually involving the same lads. It’s quite difficult to pick out who he is. I’m really sorry to say it, but it’s the ugliest one. Just prepare yourself for it and you won’t be disappointed, right?
3. The World Travelling Action Man
This guy has done it all. All of it. Don’t even bother trying to talk about your life experiences, because he did it better. In Peru. On the side of a mountain. Whilst drinking goat piss. And freestyle bouldering (what the FUCK is bouldering, guys?). In actual reality, this guy has probably been on a handful of holidays since 2008 and has a bunch of photos to show for it, including the baggy travelling pants one, in which he’s wearing a sweat-stained bandanna. Please don’t feel like you’re not good enough for him if you haven’t been anywhere further than a Greek island – he’s definitely not that interesting in real life (trust me on this one, I know).
4. Dave the Laugh
He has a sarcastic bio about how stupid bios are and it definitely says ‘if you have any questions just ask 😉 ;)’. He started the chat with a shit chat up line and he’s kind of sweet but keeps coming out with loads of shit to make you understand how random and super casual he is. You’ll end up going for a drink in a kooky venue of his choice, in which he ‘randomly’ bumps into all his mates, which was actually a ploy to have you see what a super cool, popular guy he is and for his mates to think he’s a ladies’ man. This guy does this on repeat with different girls weekly. Avoid.
5. The Bit on the Side
He’s married or otherwise attached. You can tell by that awfully cropped picture of him in a suit (hint, it’s his wedding suit and he’s cropped his wife out). He goes quiet during key times of the attached man’s day, i.e. school pick up around 3/4pm – he’ll usually appear with a ‘hi sweetheart’ about 10pm when the kids and wife are in bed.
6. The Ghost
This guy likes you. I mean, he really, really likes you. He texts you in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, sends you a good night text, GIRL that guy is sending you messages when he wakes up at night to pee. Until he stops. For no reason. Don’t blame yourself, he probably met someone else or deleted the app. Trick is to not go to hard and heavy with the messages in the first place, take a step back and you’ll be able to tell who these ghosty little bastards are.
7. The Oldie
His name is probably Alan or Keith and he’s definitely not 30. Worse still, he’s probably paid for Tinder so that he appears in any girls feed. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my old school physics teachers when I saw them, it was way too gross. But I mean, you go for it girl, it’s your (HIS?) funeral.
8. The Boring One
Oh god, this one could be so perfect…if it wasn’t so mind-numbingly boring. Similar age, similar values, even similar interests – but good lord where’s that banter? You go to all the right places together (if you even manage to get that far), but where’s the wit and why is everything so god damn sensible? Go for it if you can stand staying on the safe side for the rest of your life.
9. The Sensitive Soul
This guy is super sensitive; you know? His bio includes a quote or a poem and he’s almost definitely a vegetarian, signified by the plant emoji. He’ll tell you he thinks you’ve got a ‘connection’ and that you’re ‘incredibly, arrestingly beautiful’ very early on, which you completely disregard because of course, he clearly says that to all matches. He doesn’t ‘usually’ go out in Central London because it’s so mainstream and wants to take you to a weird exhibition but it never happens – he’s flakey as fuck and all you will see or hear from him again is random Instagram posts…all of him, out in Central London.
10. The Normal One?
You matched and he didn’t say anything cringe, you talked and he didn’t try to impress you with shit ‘finding himself’ stories. You swapped numbers and he didn’t send you a picture of his dick. You went out for a date somewhere normal and he made you laugh a lot, clearly wasn’t married and didn’t ghost you because he asked to see you again. Unless he’s got some serious skeletons in his closet, this is like the Holy Grail of Tinder – very rare and hard to come by. Least you can do is try and see if he’s got any friends for your mates, selfish bitch.
Who’ve you found on your dating travels? Have you met these guys above, found The One, or the Worst Person Ever™? Let me know.