I said I’d write posts about the lead-up to the wedding – I didn’t say they’d all be positive. The Coronavirus which appears to be taking over the world has now put the wedding in jeopardy. My hen party which was due to happen next weekend abroad is now cancelled / postponed, and whether we can go on our minimoon to NYC is also in question. I’m not ashamed to say that I called Trump a wanker, as he delivered the news about the travel ban in a ridiculous USA cap. Wanker.
The news about the virus appears to be getting worse, and it’s such a turbulent time, with the situation changing every day. I’ve already written a piece on what to do if you are suffering with Coronavirus Anxiety.
I’m feeling very conflicted. I am self-aware enough to know that there are bigger problems in the world – people are dying, losing loved ones, losing business and livelihoods. I would never dream to assume that my situation is worse than theirs.
However, I’m also aware that I am only living my life, my situation. I think I’m entitled to a bit of a moan and if you don’t like it, don’t tell me because I litch don’t want to hear it, and anyway you can’t tell me what to do because you’re not my real dad.
Loss of control
2020 is the biggest, most special year of my life, and marrying the love of my life is supposed to be the most exciting thing I have ever done. Instead, I’m walking around with a ball of dread in my stomach, worrying about everything going to shite. It’s the not knowing that’s the worst – and not being able to control anything.
My friends have been amazing – I need to keep reminding myself that the hen party that we’ve looked forward to for months is less cancelled, more postponed. They have come together to arrange something for the weekend anyway, so I still have something to look forward to, which is lovely. Our suppliers have also been supportive, making sure we know that we won’t lose money, and things can be postponed. But I don’t WANT a fucking postponement. I want to marry Will on 23rd May 2020 at 2pm, like we’ve had planned for over a year.
Forgive me if I sound like a self-centred child. I’m very angry, bitter, sad, hurting, grieving and all other manner of negative adjectives. Will, as usual, is being absolutely amazing, being supportive, loving, keeping his head and being his mellow self. I am the reactive one. I am the head-loser. It wouldn’t do to have two of us in the relationship.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m super anxious about the wedding as it is. The planning has been stressful for me and ironically, a few weeks ago, everything seemed to be on the up and we were looking forward to the final countdown. Now, I’m more terrified than before.
The next few weeks are going to need to be a concentrated effort of self-care, self-soothing, practicality and making like Will to not lose my head (any further). I want to say sorry to people in advance if I’m flakey, ratty, or in tears. Yes, there are worse things in the world. But this is the worst thing that has happened to ME.
Fingers crossed, everyone. Here comes the bride.