5 things you find out on joining the gym

I joined the gym recently after years of avoiding it and thinking that hopping around the living room doing YouTube workouts was enough. I just turned 26 – and my naturally fairly lean body is starting to betray my horrendous habits of basically living off carbs and wine. It was time.

Truth be told, I was super nervous about going to the gym! I thought everyone would know that I was a total fitness n00b (which I am) and that I don’t know what I’m doing (which I don’t). My impending mid-late twenties pushed me over the edge though, and I signed up. And went. That was pretty much the hardest part – everything else just kind of gets normal after a while.

Here are my first impressions and tips on first joining the gym. I would really recommend it. I honestly thought I’d hate it and scoffed at people who work out on a hangover, or go to gym on a Saturday. I am now one of those people!

Choosing your outfit
Ooh honey, gone are the days of polyester shorts and P.E. pumps. It’s practically a fashion show at my gym. I thought long and hard about whether my lycra shorts I usually wear for pole were too much. Nope! I never thought I’d be one of those people who care about bloody activewear for fuck’s sake, but I’m finding I’m perusing Sweaty Betty and Lululemon more than Boohoo and Missguided at the moment! Although, wear whatever the hell you want. You’re there to impress yourself, not others.

What the fuck does that do?
Literally no idea what half the stuff does in the gym. There’s about 1,000 buttons to press, things to clip to other things, and who knew there was about 40 different types of weight shapes? Not me. Get yourself on a quick induction programme to be told how to use the equipment effectively (and safely!). Save yourself from being this woman.

Who are all these people?
Amongst the normals, i.e. me, there are some people there who are the equivalent to spotting a zebra in Ealing Broadway. Gym lore! I’ve heard about these types and was so pleased to find out they do actually exist!

Muscle Man – he looks like the ‘after’ photo for a protein supplement, with inSANE body-builder muscles that only he, and the girls on Love Island actually find attractive. He’s probably on Tinder.

Lipstick Lauren – oh man this girl! Her clothes say gym, but her face says nightclub. Often seen doing bicep curls with a cute weight, one hand on hip and facing a mirror, you know that her Insta is going to be full of ‘#sweaty’ sports bra pictures 2.5 seconds after leaving.

Grunty McGrunterson – we get it. You’re working hard. Like Maria Sharapova on the tennis court, Grunty makes himself heard with every rep. People looking over just makes him grunt louder. He also throws his weights on the floor afterwards and doesn’t put them back. Naughty.

Texter – a close relative of Lipstick Lauren, she spends an hour on the treadmill walking at 2.5mph. It’s too hard to navigate the touchscreen once your heart rate goes up.

Nude party fun
Lots of naked people about! Usually ones of your sex, but still. Get used to it ma man.

It’s harder than it looks…but it feels great
The first thing I was told on joining was to ‘make sure you push yourself every time’. So I have been. It’s not fun or pretty and I’ve definitely been on the verge of fainting after asking a girl if I could have a copy of this sick abs/cardio workout she was doing. Wish I hadn’t. But I’m glad I did. I never believed that you could feel good after – but for some reason you do. Sometimes there’s nothing more I’d like than to watch shit on telly and eat pizza in the warm, rather than dragging myself to the gym and running my ass off for 45 minutes. But DO IT. It’s win-win. Honestly, you feel so much better, and you get a better ass.

8 cheap date night ideas

Money isn’t always flowing, especially when you’ve got a big holiday you’re saving up for. Sorry, have you heard? We’re going to Thailand. Here are a few cheap date night ideas to ensure your relationship stays fun and exciting.

Cook together
It’s actually a whole lot of fun mooching to the supermarket to pick out ingredients together and then work as a team to make dinner. You can make something pretty decent for less than £10. We make a pretty good team, Will and I – bacon cheeseburgers have been mastered.

Watch a film
Standard. But perhaps go out of your comfort zone a bit, choose something together that neither of you would choose usually. If it’s good, discuss it. If it’s shit, turn It off and laugh about it.

Walk together
We’re not great at this – as Londoners we need somewhere to be going. A to B – not meandering around until we come back to A sometime in the undetermined future. So, usually we are usually walking to a pub, rather than getting a bus. It’s really companiable, you can hold hands, and science shows that being side by side (as opposed to face to face) is easier when you need to tell someone something (something to do with lack of confrontation). So if you either want to tell them you love them or that you absolutely hate their t-shirt, now’s the time.

Visit a museum
We are soooooo spoiled for choice in London! We recently went to the Imperial War Museum. It was such a nice way to spend a day and it was totally free (bar a donation). There’s the Science Museum, the V&A…so many to choose from. DO IT.

People-watching
This doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful. Grab a coffee or a glass of wine and sit on Southbank and watch people as they pass by. Obviously keep your voice down, you mustn’t hurt anyone’s feelings – but having a giggle over a toupee in secret is hilarious.

Have them teach you something
Whether it’s a recipe, a song, or even how to play Fifa, having them teach you something is rewarding on both sides. It doesn’t have to be anything technical. For example, I now know how aggregates and the leagues work in football, and Will knows how and why we colour-correct. Bangin’.

Join friends
Inviting another couple for tea or going for a few drinks is a great idea for changing things up on a date night. Go to a pub that has pool or darts and take it in turns to pay for games. Girls vs boys or couple vs couple? Intense.

Shag
Well. Obviously. Sorry mum.

Have you got any other ideas for great date nights? Let me know.

The worst manager I ever had

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-23-24-26I met up with a friend recently, who I’ve known for several years. I love her to bits, we’ve been friends through thick and thin. We also shared the same manager. Now, this ain’t a hate post. I’m not trying to roast this guy, but maybe it’ll make some current, or future managers have a little think – and say – “HEY! I don’t wanna be THAT guy”. Because seriously please, don’t be.

I’m not going into details of where and when because I’m open as shit but I’m not wanting to literally kill this guy dead.

Sexual harassment
Simple as fuck. When a girl is bending down, don’t say “while you’re down there…”. Uh-uh. It basically made me throw up as this guy is so gross anyway.

Bullying
Oh, we can have a fuck up for the boys, but when it comes to my broken glasses that happened once in a year, that comes out of my wages, yeah? The £50 you told me was fine to take is now not okay because you now think it’s fake – so £25 comes out of my wages too, yeah? You look at me when I talk with a poorly concealed sneer on your face – I can see. But it’s only a few of us that get this treatment. Is it because we’re all moving on and this is a stop-gap before we move into our chosen careers? Not ashamed to say you did make me cry, you did make me anxious and scared to come to work – whatever, I’m good. Cliche, made me the person I am.

Embarrassment
Putting your own staff down in front of customers, and/or other staff is super fun, huh? Bet that made you feel super important, Boss.

Rudeness
I’d finish my shift, tell him so and ask if it was okay to leave. Nothing. Absolutely blanked. “XX”, I’d say, “can I go?”.

He’d drag his eyes from the sports program or whatever he was watching, roll his eyes and act like it was the worst thing ever, although it was late as fuck and there was nothing left to do.

Man, give people the time of day.

Seriously…
This guy was one of the WORST people I have EVER met, and in my job role, I meet a lot of god damn people. I used to feel so, so shit about myself coming and going from that job. I look back now and feel nauseous. How dare he make me feel this way? Yeah okay, I was young as shit and naive but man, the only thing I can think is that the man in question (just going off looks and nature) is that perhaps he was bullied in the past, and rather than taking a stand and being an awesome person because of it (like me, oh HEYYYY), he went the other way and became the bully himself. What a shame, that’s sad. But maybe not – maybe he’s just one of those A-grade assholes who do it for the fun of it!

Don’t forget, a boss is supposed to be a leader. Not some kind of dictator.

What was the worst manager you ever had like?

Disclaimer: I said in a previous post that jobs in the hospitality industry can be immensely rewarding. This is something I have experienced myself. If you choose hospitality as your chosen career – go for it. Please just don’t be like this dick.

Christmas Lust List 2016

Christmas is coming SOON and it’s time for me to scour the internet for the things I’d ask Santa for, if I was a massive spoilt cow.

It’s so fun making these…not so fun when I add up the total though. Oh well, girl can dream.

You can look at last year’s list here. It hasn’t changed much. Old habits die hard. I also did one for the man in yo’ life here.

Happy Christmas!

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Items L-R:

OPI in Breakfast at Tiffany’s – approx £8.50
The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k – £12.99
Real Techniques Artistry – £79.99
MOTO Black Jamie jeans – £40.00
Sleek MakeUP Highlighter Palette Precious Metals – £9.99
Black Platform over-the-knee boots – £75.00
Gin and Tonic lip balm – £6.00
Calvin Klein Euphoria for Her – £37.00
Barbour Flyweight Calvary Quilted Jacket – £129.00

Total: £398.47

10 guys you’ll meet on Tinder

w2zlpsd6Ah, Tinder. The temporary solution to your singleton woes. I had never used Tinder until I became single (obvs), passing it off as a lighter version of Adult Friend Finder (grim). However, like for many other mid-twenties navigating life, my time for Tinder arrived. It was BRILLIANT! It’s honestly so much fun. Fun the point you have to check yourself and realise there are actually other people on the other side on the screen and you can’t fuck about TOO much. You can fuck about a little bit though, chill.

I’ve had Tinder on and off for about five months now, and in that time I’ve found and spoken to a wide range of…interesting people.

If you’re a newbs to the T, and you want the D (SORRY), here’s who you’re going to find on your voyage through the dating app sea.

1. The Bathroom Selfie Muscle Man with No Face
He’s ripped as a bodybuilder, but chances are he’s ripped off someone else’s pictures too because they’ve all got no heads. If you match, he’ll send you winky and sticky-out tongue faces. He’ll kick off with a ‘Hi bbz’ and then continue to call you ‘hun’ every other sentence. Watch out, he’s gonna want to sext you and send you pictures of his peen. He doesn’t think there should be any preamble, and he certainly won’t be taking you out for a drink (he ain’t got a job). He’ll ask you within ten minutes what you’re ‘looking’ for on Tinder – just hoping you’ll say ‘a hook up’. He cnt seem 2 typ usin full words nd if u cn handle dis hun thn gr8 bt count me d fk out.

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2. The Group Picture Boy
In a game of 21st Century Where’s Wally?, this guy has got a plethora of group photos, usually involving the same lads. It’s quite difficult to pick out who he is. I’m really sorry to say it, but it’s the ugliest one. Just prepare yourself for it and you won’t be disappointed, right?

3. The World Travelling Action Man
This guy has done it all. All of it. Don’t even bother trying to talk about your life experiences, because he did it better. In Peru. On the side of a mountain. Whilst drinking goat piss. And freestyle bouldering (what the FUCK is bouldering, guys?). In actual reality, this guy has probably been on a handful of holidays since 2008 and has a bunch of photos to show for it, including the baggy travelling pants one, in which he’s wearing a sweat-stained bandanna. Please don’t feel like you’re not good enough for him if you haven’t been anywhere further than a Greek island – he’s definitely not that interesting in real life (trust me on this one, I know).

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4. Dave the Laugh
He has a sarcastic bio about how stupid bios are and it definitely says ‘if you have any questions just ask 😉 ;)’. He started the chat with a shit chat up line and he’s kind of sweet but keeps coming out with loads of shit to make you understand how random and super casual he is. You’ll end up going for a drink in a kooky venue of his choice, in which he ‘randomly’ bumps into all his mates, which was actually a ploy to have you see what a super cool, popular guy he is and for his mates to think he’s a ladies’ man. This guy does this on repeat with different girls weekly. Avoid.

5. The Bit on the Side
He’s married or otherwise attached. You can tell by that awfully cropped picture of him in a suit (hint, it’s his wedding suit and he’s cropped his wife out). He goes quiet during key times of the attached man’s day, i.e. school pick up around 3/4pm – he’ll usually appear with a ‘hi sweetheart’ about 10pm when the kids and wife are in bed.

6. The Ghost
This guy likes you. I mean, he really, really likes you. He texts you in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, sends you a good night text, GIRL that guy is sending you messages when he wakes up at night to pee. Until he stops. For no reason. Don’t blame yourself, he probably met someone else or deleted the app. Trick is to not go to hard and heavy with the messages in the first place, take a step back and you’ll be able to tell who these ghosty little bastards are.

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7. The Oldie
His name is probably Alan or Keith and he’s definitely not 30. Worse still, he’s probably paid for Tinder so that he appears in any girls feed. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my old school physics teachers when I saw them, it was way too gross. But I mean, you go for it girl, it’s your (HIS?) funeral.

8. The Boring One
Oh god, this one could be so perfect…if it wasn’t so mind-numbingly boring. Similar age, similar values, even similar interests – but good lord where’s that banter? You go to all the right places together (if you even manage to get that far), but where’s the wit and why is everything so god damn sensible? Go for it if you can stand staying on the safe side for the rest of your life.

9. The Sensitive Soul
This guy is super sensitive; you know? His bio includes a quote or a poem and he’s almost definitely a vegetarian, signified by the plant emoji. He’ll tell you he thinks you’ve got a ‘connection’ and that you’re ‘incredibly, arrestingly beautiful’ very early on, which you completely disregard because of course, he clearly says that to all matches. He doesn’t ‘usually’ go out in Central London because it’s so mainstream and wants to take you to a weird exhibition but it never happens – he’s flakey as fuck and all you will see or hear from him again is random Instagram posts…all of him, out in Central London.

10. The Normal One?
You matched and he didn’t say anything cringe, you talked and he didn’t try to impress you with shit ‘finding himself’ stories. You swapped numbers and he didn’t send you a picture of his dick. You went out for a date somewhere normal and he made you laugh a lot, clearly wasn’t married and didn’t ghost you because he asked to see you again. Unless he’s got some serious skeletons in his closet, this is like the Holy Grail of Tinder – very rare and hard to come by. Least you can do is try and see if he’s got any friends for your mates, selfish bitch.

Who’ve you found on your dating travels? Have you met these guys above, found The One, or the Worst Person Ever™? Let me know.