Someone sent me a Christmas joke this morning.
“Who is the biggest invalid in the world?”
*please wait the appropriate length of waity-joke time*
“It’s Santa Claus: he has his penis on his head, and his sack on his back!”
Well, as you’d imagine, I was shocked – I’ve not seen any Santa wandering around with a dong on his head!? Well, except this one.
All became clear after I expressed my confusion: “I do not get this joke at all.”
Well, it turns out, in German, the hat Santa wears is called a zipfelmütze – but apparently, a ‘zipfel’ can also refer to a ‘penis’.
HENCE – Santa wears his ‘zipfel’ on his head, and his ‘sack’ on his back!
I HOPE WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE NOW.
However, I’m not quite sure how that makes Santa the biggest invalid in the world. It turned out that my kleine German having to translate and explain the joke was funnier than the actual punchline – nothing to do with multiple sources stating that Germany is the least funny country in the whole entire world?*.
Regardless, it made me laugh, and I was inspired to post a few Christmas jokes (shamelessly robbed off the internet) to cheer up your Thursday lunchtime, and to lead you into the almost-weekend with a chuckle.
P.S. To all of the people who’ve got right on my tits this year – I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.
*In my experience, Germans are extremely funny. It’s just a certain type of humour. You have to try to understand, and once you do – mega fun lolz all round.
And here is a funny video about a German coastguard.
What does one ho plus two ho plus three ho make?
A jolly Santa.
Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
It doesn’t have legs.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
What do you call an elf that sings?
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
The first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.
”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Keith?”
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards!
What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!” and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!”
Once again, silence for 366 days (it’s leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
”I don’t care who you are, fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!”
Adult Christmas Jokes
*No ‘L’! LOOOOOOOOL.