Happy Saturday!

There’s a trend on Facebook at the moment with people posting ‘7 things you never knew about me’ on their statuses.

Although on one hand, those sorts of things really do remind me of those terribly annoying Myspace ‘bulletins’, or Facebook ‘notes’, I’ve read a few over my newsfeeds over this past week, and actually, they’re pretty interesting.

I learnt that me own mam got massively pissed on some rank 80s drink at 14 and ran round Archway in her pyjamas. So there’s that.

There are a few I’ve done over the years (here’s one from last year)- and it’s so fun to look back on them and realise how different you were – although, I would have seriously dropkicked my arrogant 16-year-old face, I’ve had to delete that one from Facebook, so cringey!

So, I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon again, and do another one.

 7 things you may not know about me

I saved someone’s life once (essentially by holding his head together so his brain didn’t fall out) after a car crash at 14. I received a commendation from the High Court Judge for my ‘bravery’. Should have been for having a strong stomach.

I got 150/150 for my English Language A Level exam, coming in as one of the top in the country for English. That was my peak, man!

I sang No Doubt’s ‘Don’t Speak’ at the talent competition on holiday in Devon, and won another week’s holiday for the family.

This is the most embarrassing I think. I don’t know my times tables. At all. I left my first primary school before they taught them, and joined my new one when they’d already learnt them. I know my 1, 2, 5 and 10. That’s it.

I don’t know where it came from and I don’t know why, but I can’t bear to even look at Kinder Buenos. Not even in the packet. Absolutely turns my stomach. GRIM.

I used to have ‘unlimited texts’ back in the day before smartphones, Whatsapp and IM. I went into Orange with a massive bill and they said they didn’t know how it was humanely possible to text as much as I did and they’d never seen anyone go over the ‘unlimited limit’ before.

I once nicked a £1.50 hairband from New Look when I was about 12, just to see what it felt like. Felt so guilty I hid it under my bed and never wore it or told anyone. UNTIL NOW.

New year, new me and all that bollocks…

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I don’t really go in for the big New Year resolutions people seem to spread all over Facebook on the 1st January.

NO MORE CARBS
I QUIT SMOKING FOREVER
I’M NEVER GOING TO MCDONALD’S AGAIN
I VOW TO RUN SIX MILES A DAY

Of course, some people make these resolutions and stick to them, and I don’t begrudge them that – very well done. But in general, most people don’t, and end up feeling worse about themselves than they did before.

Grand declarations put way too much pressure on an individual.

It’s fine to want to improve – but never eating pizza again isn’t really going to help. It may make you thinner and healthier, and that’s great – but are you sure you want to make that much of a big deal that you’re never going to take advantage of Two for Tuesday again?

Why don’t you just eat a few less carbs or go for a run sometimes, rather than restricting yourself completely – and concentrate on being a better friend, daughter, girlfriend, or mother?

In fact, why not stop the 1st January resolutions altogether, and concentrate on improving ourselves, and our relationships all year round?

If you’ve already made one, don’t be afraid to say ‘stop’ if you’re not feeling it. If you are, carry on – that’s great – prove me wrong!

Just try to be your authentic self and it will show on the outside. Everyone can really tell who the fakers are, even if you think you’re hiding it really well. Hold your tongue and don’t say that bitchy thing you were about to say for once.

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Be grateful for what you have, but don’t be afraid to work towards something better.

Happy New Year.

Is the grass always greener?

UnknownWhen I was in my teens, I used to think being 23 was going to be fantastic. 23 was like, THE age I couldn’t wait to be.

I’d have a job, my own flat, a boyfriend, loads of friends, my family around me, and a decent disposable income.

Well, I’ve got all of those things. So why aren’t I quite happy yet?

I seem to lie awake at night torturing myself over what I should do next, wondering if I’m missing out on something big. I have a horrible sense of urgency, like I’m running out of time and should be doing something greater or somehow I’ll ‘fail’.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

I truly think that how you achieve happiness is by building a life around your current situation. Making new friends,  finding ways in which to enjoy ‘the moment’, rather than dwelling on all the things you could be doing or the places you could be visiting.

Remember that all we ever have is right now. Forget about the past. Don’t worry about the future. Take each day as it comes, and most of all, stop thinking that the grass is greener, because it never really is.

This is totally decent advice, and something to live by – but as with a lot of things, it’s easier said than done. All you can do is your best, and that’s the best you can do.

Let me know if any of you ever feel like this!

Happiness is not a goal; it’s the by-product of a life well lived.” ―Eleanor Roosevelt

My boyfriend does my make-up!

On Saturday night, after a couple of glasses of wine, I finally got Kurt to agree to the very popular YouTube ‘tag’ – my boyfriend does my make-up.

I think he did really well – what do you think?

As I say in the video, please don’t be jealous of his flair with a blusher brush, or of my beautiful face (!)*

Enjoy!

The finished look, #nofilter :

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•For the minority – please get your heads out of your arses for a split-second to realise that this is a joke, and a bit of jolly Christmas fun!

Thursday Christmas Frolics

Funny-Christmas-Cards-Xmas-Holiday-Greetings-and-Ecards-for-YOU-1_thumb

Someone sent me a Christmas joke this morning.

“Who is the biggest invalid in the world?”

*please wait the appropriate length of waity-joke time*

“It’s Santa Claus: he has his penis on his head, and his sack on his back!”

Well, as you’d imagine, I was shocked – I’ve not seen any Santa wandering around with a dong on his head!? Well, except this one.

All became clear after I expressed my confusion: “I do not get this joke at all.

Well, it turns out, in German, the hat Santa wears is called a zipfelmütze – but apparently, a ‘zipfel’ can also refer to a ‘penis’.

HENCE – Santa wears his ‘zipfel’ on his head, and his ‘sack’ on his back!

I HOPE WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE NOW.

However, I’m not quite sure how that makes Santa the biggest invalid in the world. It turned out that my kleine German having to translate and explain the joke was funnier than the actual punchline – nothing to do with multiple sources stating that Germany is the least funny country in the whole entire world?*.

Regardless, it made me laugh, and I was inspired to post a few Christmas jokes (shamelessly robbed off the internet) to cheer up your Thursday lunchtime, and to lead you into the almost-weekend with a chuckle.

Enjoy,

E x

P.S. To all of the people who’ve got right on my tits this year – I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.

*In my experience, Germans are extremely funny. It’s just a certain type of humour. You have to try to understand, and once you do – mega fun lolz all round.

And here is a funny video about a German coastguard.

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Jokes bit

What does one ho plus two ho plus three ho make?
A jolly Santa.

Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
It doesn’t have legs.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. 

What do you call an elf that sings?
ELFIS

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle.

The first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.
”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Keith?”

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards!

What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ*

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!” and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!”

Once again, silence for 366 days (it’s leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

”I don’t care who you are, fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!”

Sources:
http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christmasjokes.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/10523013/50-Best-Christmas-cracker-jokes-ever.html

Adult Christmas Jokes

*No ‘L’! LOOOOOOOOL.